Can I See Some ID, Sir?

Alice Cooper - I'm Eighteen



In a demonstration of Wayne's Worlds continuing ubiquity, today's song is one of the live staples of Mr "We're Not Worthy" himself. Which was, of course, written when Alice was 23. He's about as old as Methuselah these days but on the coolness scale who really wants to see a wrinkly dude in greasepaint makeup singing about how eighteen he is? Basically, he's somewhere between Keef and the Everly Brothers. He's still cool though, but only because he was in Waynes World and certainly not for any of his musical output, with the exception of the slightly novelty "Lost In America" and its Scarface references.

So, credibility established, we can move on to the song. Written about the topsy-turvy world of the confused manboy teenager, it has been latterly covered by Anthrax (coolish), Creed (not even Kid Rock is as uncool as Creed) and anecdotally by John Lydon as his audition for the Sex Pistols (the jury is still out), it starts with some punchy guitar and .. a harmonica? This is the godfather of metal? That said, he does manage to do a passable Blag Dahlia impression, so some props for that. To be honest, it actually sounds like something The Dwarves would do if they were feeling particularly perverse. Or, more accurately, more particularly perverse than usual. Basically, that means it's not particularly well produced, not an example of particularly exceptional musicianship and sounds like it was sung by someone who could hold a note before he started on a 2-pack-a-day habit. All that's missing is the reference to underage girls.

And the similarities don't end there - the more I think about it, I'm beginning to think that Blag is the perverted love child of Alice Cooper, which is starting to make Alice cooler. They're both Peter-Pan manboy adolescents operating under the cloak of anonymity, obsessed with sex and, specifically, sadomasochism, living to shock and fronting bands with a revolving-door policy of musicians.

So, Alice, for bringing us the Dwarves, we're not worthy. The song's not bad either, but it's no Fuck You Up and Get High.

By the way, as far as I can remember, his real name is Vincent something or other.

Verdict: Thanks for the Dwarves.

Tomorrow: David Bowie - Young Americans